How many masons does it take to change a lightbulb?
20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn’t work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of
3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that “that’s not the way we did it before.”
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it.
It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week.
The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twentny five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.
Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.
A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
"What′s going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side–lines.
The other replies "It′s a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus."
"What′s the score?" asks the first man.
"I don't know, it′s a secret."
While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother′s wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.
I asked in what way?
She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.
Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
Oh fine was his reply.
I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.
No, was his reply.
So why read the book there?
Well he said "It′s the only TYLED room in the house"....
A tired old mason whose hair was gray,
Came to the gates of Heaven one day,
When asked, what on earth he had done the most,
He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast.
St. Peter said, as he tolled the Bell,
Come inside my Brother you′ve had enough of Hell.
Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car.
The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative.
Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."
A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble.
So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason′s apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on.
The man said "how much is the one with the masters apron on."
"$2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck."
"No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on."
"Well, that one is $1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it."
"No to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on."
"You can have him for $10.00."
"Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?"
"Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!
The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I′ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can′t do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don′t you know that′s impossible? No Genie could do that. It′s too far, the water is too deep, it′s just totally beyond anybody′s power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and at least once a month they would always hear this stomping from above.
One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek.
After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!"
When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW.'
-- Found on a cup in a Lodge in Ireland:
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY
Discovery Lodge No. 149
The older you are, the more you understand.